Holding Your Teenager

The common wisdom in Western countries is that when teenagers pull away, it’s a natural and necessary part of their development as they progress toward independence. They’re becoming hyper aware of their identity. The presumably natural way to shape and shore up their emerging sense of self is to differentiate from the most familiar identities around them – their family. This can be seen and felt (by the parents and possibly the teens) as an increasing separation and distance between them; it can feel like the thread that bound you together isn’t just fraying but reaching breaking point.

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At the same time, teens are testing out their identity by comparing themselves to and strengthening their bonds with their peers (real or fictional). They’re trying on different interests, ways of dressing and being. They’re soaking up new thoughts and forms of expression. They’re still wanting to connect with you as a parent, but that desire for connection is not the same and its appearance, if it appears at all, is a lot less predictable.

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It’s not just the teenager that is growing and developing, feeling moody or unsure. The stories of our mother/child 'us' that we've lived by, seemingly so stable, are abruptly brought into awareness when we feel we’ve lost them. Maybe you and your child always read books together and now they’re not remotely interested. Maybe you used to kick a soccer ball around or chat while you cooked dinner and now that’s mostly gone. Maybe you’d get cuddles at least half a dozen times a day, your child would sit on you to watch TV, they’d hold your hand when you crossed the street or like to lean their head on your shoulder as you read the newspaper. Not anymore. The thing is, if the child in the mother/child relationship is evolving, then the relationship and the mother’s experience in it develops and changes as well, whether we want it to or not.

I'll take a minute to just recognise that this teenage pulling or moving away can be extremely painful. Tiring as younger kids may be, you've gotten used to all of that affection, attention and need, and then, through no choice of your own, it feels like it's gone.

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If the door to their room is closed more often than not or if they appear grumpy and absent to you most of the time, how can you meet those relational, mother and child needs for connection and affection? Because teenagers still need affection, they still need to know that even if they’ve driven you mad you still love them, that holding and affection is still available, that for now you’ll carry more of the load in the relationship while they go out exploring and that it’s okay.

So how do you hold a teenager? You can’t pick them up like an infant but that’s been the case for a while. They’re probably not going to want to fall asleep in your arms. But you can put your arm around them; you can ask for or initiate a hug when the space between you feels right, welcoming; you can kiss them on the top of their head if you’re able to reach up or they’re willing to bend down; you can briefly lean your body against theirs.

And there’s many more ways of holding that have less to do with physical touch but are based on that history of touch. This is emotional and psychological holding and it can be just as rewarding for you as for them. You can sit side by side when they want to show you a computer game or new music. If it’s at all possible, give them that time and space with you, it won’t come as often for a while. If they seem upset after school or low later in the day, ask them how they are, don’t assume you know, and listen if they want to talk. Keep asking from time to time, so that even if they don’t often take up the offer, they know that the offer is always there.

It may feel like the relationship is being held together by the parent while the child is stretching out and away because the child really is stretching out and away. It can feel like your relationship is diminishing or over. The feelings are real, confronting and difficult and need to be expressed, whether it’s over a coffee with a friend, or in a written or visual diary. It helps to get those thoughts, emotions and sensations out so that you can look at them, breathe, get some perspective, and take care of yourself.

One of the most important implications of my research is that if we pay attention to those times we’ve felt deeply connected with our children when we’ve held them (physically, emotionally or psychologically) we engrave those into our memories. We can recall those memories during the harder times when the teenage door has metaphorically or literally slammed in our face. In that way, we’re holding ourselves with memories and stories of the mother/child 'us' while the relationship struggles momentarily through different needs, through pain, rejection, confusion or anger.

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As the mother/child relationship matures you can still hold them, maybe less frequently, maybe in modified forms. Maybe you’ll be returning to those ‘golden moment’ memories of affection more often than you’re making them, but children and mothers still need to feel held and can still make new memories of holding in whatever form they take. You really do have to notice your wins when you can.

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There will only ever be one relationship between you and your child, no one can or will replace it, the love shared between you was made by both of you and is unique to your relationship. How much holding happens or the forms it takes is up to both of you even if it feels like the load rests primarily on your shoulders for a while. Let them know that your desire for affection and connection haven’t disappeared if they’ve pulled away. You can send an emoji, photo or a text to offer up a little technological cuddle and sometimes they’ll actually reciprocate.

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If we remove our offers of affection because we’re hurt or feel that’s the only way to respect their need for independence then both members of the relationship build a habit of not holding and touching. That’s a hard habit to break. Separation is not the same as independence. We don't want to model that parents stop holding and being affectionate once children have grown.

It is hard, really hard, parenting a teenager because you do lose a lot of what you shared before and the ups and downs can leave your world feeling chaotic, but you can gain so much as well. All of a sudden, they have these incredible thoughts about a TV show or reveal a surprising insight about a friendship. They start making things or you get a glimpse of how funny they are with their mates. They show you something on YouTube that cracks you up or reveals a preoccupation you had no idea they had. You’re getting to know an emerging adult; one that you have a unique and cherished history with.

If you can carry within yourself moments that felt loving in the past, if you can keep the channels open between you both for holding, then more connection will come, in time. That thread that was woven when they were born, that wriggled and flipped about while they were young, that sometimes stretched painfully thin while they were teenagers, will still be there when both of you are adults.

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This post is written by Dr Ariel Moy. She is passionate about developing mother/child relationships, she has a private practice as a creative arts therapist, is a Professional member of ANZACATA and is an academic teacher at The MIECAT Institute in Melbourne, Australia.