Stories of Us - Research Findings #3

All participants shared stories of holding, both verbal and visual, through their drawings, collage, installations and explorations. These stories included two important themes: the relational patterns of being with their child and stories of the history they shared.

These themes made sense of holding experiences for us: we would get a sense of the ‘personality’ of the mother/child relationship through examples of how they tended to be together and we would get a sense of the events that helped shape the relationship by exploring their shared history. All of these stories involved holding but the holding moments served to flesh out what it was like and what it had been like to be in this particular mother/child relationship. For example, Rosanna described her relationship with one of her daughters and drew one of their stories for us:

This story showed the transformation experienced in their relationship from when her daughter was young through to when her daughter had her own child, a movement from perceived need to a sense of freedom and satisfaction for them both.

At first, the participants in our inquiry would describe their child’s personality, the ways their child behaved; these qualities helped shape what holding was like. For example, Leni felt one of her daughter’s was very similar to her, “bolshy” but also full of confidence of a kind that Leni did not possess. Rosanna experienced one of her daughters as distant, she did not like to be held.

Like experiences of purposefulness, it became apparent that participants’ descriptions captured how the mothers experienced their child’s behaviour, that is, how their own behaviour mingled with their child to form a unique understanding of the mother and child together. These mother/child ‘personality’ stories describe relational patterns of being together. They show what mothers know about their children, but they only ever know their child from within their relationship with the child. There is no objective knowing of the child without the participation of the mother who is ‘doing the knowing’.

These relational patterns of being together would not be replicable with anyone else for mother or child. While Rosanna’s experience of her daughter’s physical coolness with her was noticeable in some of her daughter’s other relationships, it was not quite the same. This quality Rosanna felt during holding was particular to them, their history, their ways of interacting with one another. These relational stories were also changeable, they were evolving before our sessions began, developed over the course of our sessions and continued to change beyond them.

The stories of the mother/child relationship, its personality and the events that shaped its history were fundamentally shared. Both mother and child created these stories though Importantly, this did not mean that their stories of relationship with one another were the same.

Important stories of relationship were ‘written’ by the mother/child us and as is the nature of story, mother and child were able to continue writing new chapters.

Stories are incredibly powerful, as author Ursula le Guin notes in The Wave in the Mind: Talks and Essays on the Writer, the Reader and the Imagination (2004):

"Words are events, they do things, change things. They transform both speaker and hearer, they feed energy back and forth and amplify it. They feed understanding or emotion back and forth and amplify it." (p.199)

Stories of the mother/child relationship, or as I refer to it, the mother/child ‘us’ can provide clarity and meaning to experiences, they ‘curate’ memories, they are adaptive and allow for surprise and change. Stories that are painful or damaging can reinforce difficult relational patterns of being together, just as stories that begin with pain but are open-ended and allow for development, can contribute to relationship satisfaction.

Stories of the mother/child us shaped holding as it occurred. For example, Rosanna was particularly aware of the coolness she felt between herself and her daughter when she held her, so much so that together they had both usually avoided any physical touch like holding. On a visit together after our session and having discussed a little about our inquiry into holding, Rosanna said:

"When we were back at her flat and it was time to say goodbye, she came to me and hugged me. As she did this, I responded not with a returning hug that would hold her longer but the words: “I love you” which came out of me organically without a forethought.

Well, I didn’t think about it, it just sprang out of me, it just literally sprang out of me, as soon as she was able to do that (hug Rosanna). So, I was so happy about that, so really, that was just wonderful and that was very, very special and that came out of doing this."

Rosanna and her daughter had talked about holding, her daughter had been honest and explained that she just didn’t often feel like being held by Rosanna. Rosanna was able to accept this and so responded in a way that didn’t force her daughter but also wasn’t resentful, she was able to show her love in a different way. Their story of how they were together around intimate moments had evolved for both of them.

In the above example, the story of Rosanna and her daughter’s relationship informed the holding (both mother and child had certain expectations based on past experiences about holding) but the holding also informed or developed their story, now they held differently but both of them felt comfortable with that kind of holding.

Kitty described another instance of the way holding changed the mother/child story. Where they had been in a protracted mother/daughter standoff, a spontaneous moment of holding served as a “circuit breaker”. Kitty described how there was a sense of “fit” that relaxed both mother and child. The holding appeared to remind mother and child of their connection, of the unique love they shared, of a deeper story than the present tensions.

(Note, these moments of holding were reciprocal, they were not imposed upon the child as a form of restraint or containment. I will explore this kind of imposed holding and its consequences in a later blog.)

These deeper stories of mother and child described those patterns of being together that traversed their history; they were precious stories of the mother/child 'us'.

In general, the three findings that emerged from this inquiry described how the mother/child relationship can be Intensely experienced, brought into awareness, supported and strengthened during meaningful moments of holding.

Paying attention to holding as it occurs, sharing those experiences and exploring them by yourself or with others can remind us of what we receive as well as give to our relationship with our child and what we receive can be so incredibly valuable, however brief the moment. During optimal moments of holding we can experience a deep sense of expansion into our relationship with our child and finally, we can remind, reinforce or develop significant stories of the mother/child 'us'.

Being able to reconnect with relationship affirming moments can help support us through the darker, challenging and confronting times that every parent will face. Who wouldn’t want to have a little warmth and illumination in those long nights with a crying baby, waiting for our child to come home from a party or watching them finally leave the nest?

At the end of the research, I felt that what we had found was important and could be of practical help for parents. The creation of this website is for that reason with an invitation for more of you to share your experiences with us and develop our understanding of this little yet very big act of love.

What experiences of holding your are with you today?

Ariel

This post is written by Dr Ariel Moy. She is passionate about developing mother/child relationships, is an academic teacher and supervisor at The MIECAT Institute and a Professional member of ANZACATA.

Stories of Us - Research Findings #3

Recent Posts

Comments